Avatar Trailerthe Parody!
by AnnaAza
Summary: What DID they cut out of the real trailer? Let's just say this stuff IS CRAZY.


**AN: Hey this is just something I thought up weeks ago. I wrote this for my friend Anya who LOVES "Avatar."**

**AN 2-13-10: Just minor edits.  
**

**"Avatar" trailer**

(We see Jake opening his eyes)  
Jake: Man, that was a good sleep...  
Selfridge: You're Jake Sully?  
Jake: Well, yes, last time I checked. Let me guess-you mistook me for Taylor Lautner again, huh?  
Selfridge: Um..no.  
Jake: Weird, cause everyone mistook me for him. Or my twin brother.  
Selfridge: You look nothing like him Jake.  
Jake: Really? Cause we're twins.  
Selfridge: Taylor Lautner??  
Jake: No, my brother!  
Selfridge; Ohhhhhhh.....anyway, I'm Parker Selfridge...  
Jake: Weird name. Self-fridge. Haha! Like those miniature portable fridges, with the-  
Selfridge: Will you stop doing that?? I'd like to talk to you about a fresh start in a new world.  
Jake: Man this sounds like the Pilgrims on the Mayflower.  
Selfridge: Jake, be serious.  
Jake: I am! You see in 1692-**(obviously, Jake doesn't know his history!)**  
Selfridge: Shut up, and let me finish!  
Jake: Rude...  
Selfridge: You can make a difference.  
Jake: Sweet, how?  
Selfridge: Well, you'll see later in the trailer.  
Jake: We're in a trailer?

(We see Jake in a wheelchair)  
Jake: I became a Marine...for the hardship. I told myself I can pass any test a man can pass.  
Grace: Or a Na'vi.  
Jake: Oh, that's right! I'm going to-  
Selfridge: Don't give the freaking ending away, you moron!  
Jake: All I've ever wanted...was a single thing worth fighting for.  
Trudy: Don't worry, Jake, you'll get that in the end between the RDA and the Na'vi, so the RDA doesn't destroy the-  
Selfridge: Will you guys stop spoiling the ending??  
Grace and Trudy: Boys...

(Pan over to Quaritch speaking to the group)  
Quaritch: Man, I have a weird name...anyway, ladies and gentlemen-you're not in Kansas anymore-  
Jake: (raising hand) Um, sir, we weren't there to begin with...  
Quaritch: Oh come on! It's a parody for God's sake! (starts again) You're not in Kansas anymore-you're on PANDORA!!  
Dorothy: Darn it, wrong stop!  
Quaritch: What...?? How did SHE get on??  
(Everyone shrugs)  
Dorothy: Hello? Can you drop me off in Oz?  
One of the recruits: Wrong fantasy world, kid.  
Dorothy: Darn. Well, anyway-  
Quaritch: Get out!! (tosses her out of the plane)  
Dorothy (falls): GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Jake: Wow, you're mean.  
Grace: (pops up) He'll get meaner.  
Quaritch: Grace, would you stop messing up this parody??  
Grace: Well, technically, I'm making it funnier.  
Quaritch: GRACE, dang it, I oughta-wait, how'd YOU get here?  
Grace: (looks confused) I have no idea...  
(Quaritch face-palms)

(Pan over Trudy flying the plane between the floating mountains in the Hallelujah Mountains)  
Trudy: You should see your faces!  
Jake: (looking in the mirror) Yup, I'm seeing it-wow I look surprised.  
(Trudy face-palms. She accidentally lets go of the steering wheel in the process and the plane nosedives)  
Trudy: WHA?? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (takes up controls again and flies them to safety)  
Jake: Whew...hallelujah, we survived!  
Trudy: That was the worst pun I've ever heard.

(Go to where Quaritch is at with the recruits)  
Quaritch: We have an indigenous population called the Na'vi. They are VERY hard to kill.  
Jake: Actually, in the movie, a lot of-  
Quaritch: Why did we freaking hire you??  
Selfridge: (points to rock in his hand) This is why we're here.  
Jake: It's a rock.  
Selfridge: Not just any rock-this little gray rock sells for 20 million a kilo-  
(People rush over and tackle him to get the rock)  
Guy: I need a Wii!  
Girl: I I need that new Justin Bieber CD!!

Jake: Ponies!!

Selfridge: AGH!! NO!! STOP THAT!! THIS IS YOUR PAY!!

(Quaritch cocks his gun. Everyone stops and backs off)  
Selfridge: Thank you, Miles.  
Jake: I thought his name was Quaritch.  
Quaritch: It's my last name. Miles is my first name.  
Jake: Oh....

Selfridge: (rings up the Hometree hologram) Their village happens to be sitting on the richest deposit-  
Jake: Ohh, pretty tree!  
Selfridge:...and they need to relocate!  
Selfridge: (yells at Grace) Those savages are threatening our whole operation!!  
Jake: Man, this sounds like "Pocahontas."  
Grace: You know, it does! The plot, your love interest with the enemy, the-  
Selfridge: Grace, can it!! We're on the brink of war, and you're supposed to be finding a diplomatic solution.  
Grace: I thought I was recording the life on Pandora and teaching the Na'vi our-  
Selfridge: Forget it!!

(Pan over the Avatar machines and operations)  
Voiceover: The concept is drive these human-controlled bodies-they grow from human DNA mixed with the DNA of the natives.

Jake: (looks around panicked) WHERE IS THAT NOISE COMING FROM?? MAKE IT STOP!!

(Everyone rolls their eyes)

Quaritch: A Marine in an Avatar body? That's a potent : Hm...the root "potent" means "powerful," so I AM FREAKING AWESOME!!(Awkward silence)  
Quaritch: You get me what I need, I'll see to it you'll get your legs back-your real ones.  
Jake: Oh yeah, sir.

(Observing Jake's avatar)  
Norm: Looks like you.  
Jake: No, not really. It has blue skin, long hair, the catlike eyes, the weird long ears-  
Norm: Huh, wonder why they put that line in there then. This is YOUR avatar, Jake.  
(Grace waves flashlight over Jake as he prepares to link with his Avatar)  
Grace: Just relax and let your mind go blank...it shouldn't be hard for you.  
Norm: BURN!!!

(On plane)  
Jake: WHOOOO!!!!  
Norm: Man this is stupid and reckless.  
Trudy: Where have we heard THAT before?  
(Everyone shrugs)

(Quaritch talks to Jake)  
Quaritch: Jake, it's REAL simple...  
Jake: Like the Pathogren Theorem?  
Quaritch: What?  
Jake: It's in geometry, when you take a-  
Quaritch: Never mind! I want you learn from the inside, I want you to gain their trust.  
Jake: Easy.  
Trudy: Meh, later you'll-  
Quaritch: GET OUT OF HERE!!  
Trudy: I SO should get an advance on my pay.

(We see Jake in his avatar and Ney'tiri)  
Ney'tiri: You should not be here. (does that weird hand gesture)  
Jake: :-/  
Ney'tiri: Go back.  
Jake: If I do, it'll ruin the plot!

(See the RDA's machines destroy the trees)  
Ney'tiri: All this is your fault...  
Jake: Actually, it's also Selfridge's and Quaritch's, even though I betrayed you all.  
Neytiri: This is not helping the mating relationship.

(She jumps off a cliff)  
Jake: "New Moon"!  
Ney'tiri: What does a new moon have to do with your training?  
Jake: Well, it's a movie, and in that-  
Ney'tiri: Never mind-just jump.  
Jake: You're trying to kill me??  
Ney'tiri: At times, I wish I could.

(Quaritch dramatically walks back in forth in front of Jake)  
Quaritch: Haven't got lost in the woods have you?  
Jake: Well, in the beginning I was chased by a Thanator and so I ran into-  
Quaritch: Ugh, not that!! You forget what team you're playing for?  
Jake: Actually, I'm rooting for the Yankees this year.  
(Quaritch continuosly bashes his head against the table)  
Selfridge: (walks by and sees him) Jake, you have done it-you have made one of our greatest people go insane...anyway, Jake, you got one hour!  
Jake: Wait, what?  
Selfridge: To convince the Na'vi to move their butts or we'll run them over with the bulldozers!!

(We see the RDA ranshack the forest)  
Ney'tiri: You knew this would happen??  
Jake: Everything changed...(looks lovingly at her)  
Na'vi: Aw...how heartfelt...  
Ney'tiri: I really don't appreciate this audience.

(RDA running around and gathering weapons)  
Max: Jake, it's crazy here!  
Jake: Wasn't it crazy the day I joined?  
Max: Well, yes, but it's crazier now.  
Jake: How so?  
Max: They're trying to slaughter the Na'vi, cut down the Hometree, and ravage the whole forest.

Jake: That IS crazy.

Max: Quaritch is rolling and there's no stopping him.  
Jake: Not if we can help it!...oh, that was dramatic!

(Trudy speaking anxiously)  
Trudy: We're going against gunships...with bows and arrows.  
Jake: We're screwed.  
(Everyone gives him a look)  
Jake: I mean...I guess we better stop them?  
Trudy: You're bringing our self-esteem down.

(See the RDA destroying the forest)  
Jake: They've sent us a message-that they can take whatever they want. Well, we'll send them a message-that this-THIS IS OUR LAND!!  
(Na'vi cheer)  
Jake: Man, I should be a speech writer!  
Ney'tiri: Can you be a warrior first?  
Jake: Well, heck yeah-I am awesome!  
Tsu'Tey: Dude, NEY'TIRI had to save you from Quaritch before he killed you.  
Jake: Shut up, no wonder I don't like you!  
Tsu'Tey: I'm the one who wanted to kill you! You stole my love, my girl-  
Ney'tiri: Can we not talk about this now??

(Battle scenes with dramatic ending)  
Jake: "Avatar: the Last Airbender"-  
Trudy, Neytiri, and Grace: WRONG MOVIE!!  
Jake: Oh, right, yes-"Avatar"...coming to theaters in-  
Grace: Whoa, we're in a movie?? When did this happen??  
(Everyone groans)


End file.
